When you have shared custody, you have to make custody exchanges with your co-parent – and those can be sources of tension (or even alarm) for both parents and children.
It can be tough to keep things civil when there are still a lot of issues unsettled or you’re having conflicts with your co-parent, but it’s essential to try. Conflict-filled exchanges can leave the kids feeling upset, disloyal to one or both parents and blaming themselves for the trouble between their parents.
What can you do to make things smoother at your custody exchanges? Here are some suggestions:
1. Use a neutral location
If your relationship with your co-parent is currently hostile, it can be intimidating to have them at your doorstep – and equally uncomfortable to show up on their doorstep. A neutral exchange point can not only defuse tensions but keep everybody on their best behavior. Illinois even has programs to facilitate this process, so asking at the local courthouse or police station about approved neutral transfer points or “safe zones” can be useful.
If there’s no official exchange point that you can easily access, consider making the exchange at the children’s school or daycare, at a public park in between your homes or even at a restaurant.
2. Stick to business
The only “business” you should discuss during custody exchanges is what is directly relevant to the children at that moment and essentially neutral information.
That means you should not discuss past grievances in your relationship – or even past arguments about the kids. You should also table any ongoing discussions about the children that are being worked out through legal proceedings. Stick to topics like, “Jon has band practice on Sunday at 1 p.m.,” or “Liams has a school project due on Monday.”
Custody exchanges don’t have to be a huge source of stress and conflict – but if they become contentious, you may need to seek legal guidance to see how things can be resolved.
